i'll never get used to it

so, the boy came home from three days at camp...he had a great time...loved it...wants to go back....

he also came back not feeling well...with a cough i haven't heard him have in at least three years....

last night, it was meds, humidifier,and fluids...he sleeps now...i wait to call the dr....an hour before his office opens...

Hubs even mentioned how bad his cough sounded....

this cough sounds like the cough he would go on ten days of antibiotics for when he was smaller....and then sometimes....another ten-day round...back-to-back....yeah...

i'm trying to not show him how nervous his cough makes me...he doesn't remember anything from the month in the hospital except the fun stuff...which is how it should be...
i, on the other hand...wish i could forget how he looked in ICU.....how he looked with the tube draining his lung....his cries when i had to hold him down in a bear hug for all of the blood draws and when they finally removed the tube....i wish i could forget...i really do....

so, i couldn't sleep last night, listening to his breathing....to his coughing....to his tossing and turning...his talking in his sleep....

i'm tired...and i had to go sleep on the couch so i wouldn't keep hubs awake as well...at least one of us needs to rest....

there a loads of clothes in teh washer, a load of dishes in the dishwasher...if i could...i would vaccuum...but that might wake both the kids...
i'm considering going back to bed....try to get a few winks while i can...before the youngest wakes up and brings her tornado attitude to life....

i'm sure he isn't as bad as my panic mode is trying to tell me...

but this morning i heard of the third child this week to pass way from some freak anomaly.....one of my mother's students....and then yesterday a friend told me of a child who hit her head while playing at the playground...she passed away as well....and another friend lost a daughter this week as well...she was 18....it gets to you after a while....and this week, after hearing about these losses, imagined what i would do if this happened in our family...i'm fairly certain i would struggle for a very long time.....there would be such an emptiness....i can't imagine even one of us being gone...we would be incomplete....

if any of our family passed, i'm fairly certain i would not be able to function for a while....no, that's not true...i would...like i always do...i just wouldn't want to....


isn't it funny how a single coughing spell can insight so much consideration of survival...how one person is so important to your family dynamic...if any part of my family passed, life would be so different. decisions would be so differently, family dynamic, survival, all would not be the same....and at any time, this could happen in any family....

it is so fast...sudden...unexpected....

i need a nap...

what is my purpose?

recently i came to the conclusion that "it took me 18 months to get over being a teacher...and be ok with being a sahm"....

here is it 20 months after the birth of my daughter, and i am just now realizing i like staying home with her....before, i felt like i wasn't doing what i was supposed to...as in...i wasn't killing myself on a daily basis to be everything to everyone...teach classes, commute crazily, go to all of my son's organized things, etc....and once that all stopped...i didn't know how to function or define myself...or not feel guilty about staying home...

i am also close to completing my yoga 200 hr RYT....i have this weekend, and next month, and hopefully that will be it.. i feel strange about this part being so close to being over....i almost feel like i need to continue with my studies...have my once a month fix....like, i might not know how to function without it...like i just now am getting started...but, i know this isn't the end...and i feel like there is a huge awakening about to happen in my life because of yoga...i know...that sounds weird...

but it is true....yoga...and i hesitate to say this simply because of what i experienced in the past with fundamentalism....i do not want to GO THERE ever again....but, i feel like yoga, has sort of set me free.....i'm still working on freedom...but, it is something i have been seeking for a long time....and it is a relief to have something to really think about that makes sense to me...on a very deep level...

part of this, is understanding that i don't have to be everything....to everyone...that i don't have to feel guilty for things i didn't do....and that people getting angry with me because they think i didn't do enough for them, is really just the story they are playing out in their own mind....living in imagined guilt does nothing but make drama where there simply wasn't  any to begin with...

i have no desire for imaginary drama...i have no desire for real drama...

so, right now, while i'm finally feeling better about life...and finally feeling hopeful about the future....the question i'm asking myself is....

what's next?

i haven't thought past completing yoga training....

my daily focus for the last two months has been to have more peace in my life....some days are harder than others...

some days i have to make decisions that make people angry...and then i have to tell myself i am nt a bad person because i need more peace in my life...

It has been the fact that i haven't had much peace  that i am willing to  work towards it so fervantly now....

i think i'm rambling....eh whatev....

the way you start you day

"the way you start your day is the way you live your day and the way you live your day is the way you live your life..."

louise hay

so, some days are good...and some days...i just feel like crap....like today...

all day, i have been battling a migraine and my blood pressure going up and down...
i'm still on the modified paleo, which has helped me lose about 8 lbs...but i admit getting off track last weekend and for kiddo's birthday...and i think it really threw me out of whack...i think i need to get back to my daily ritual of eating a sweet potato and not eat out at all, even if i am trying to stick to the meal plan...there is just too much sodium and preservatives in restaraunt food and i can feel it after eating it...

I was reading about the metaphysical meanings behind migraines and thyroid coniditions...

Migraines , from what i read today, are manifestations of feeling the need to be perfect....or placing pressure on one's self....

yeah....that....and also with self berating....

Hashimotos has to do with self denail, not doing what you wanted to do...or say what you want to say...

yeah....

so, i was thinking about that....and that all makes sense....

i spent numerous years trying to live up to the expectations of others....i'm still trying to get over that...

2 months later....

so, i have been making some changes over the last few weeks/months....

1. at my husband's prodding out of concern for the health issues i was struggling with due to Hashimoto's....( and i am fortunate for that)....i started doing a strict paleo  way of life...in that...i am not eatting, cruciferous veggies, soy,nuts, seeds, lentils, dairy, gluten, or anything in the nightshade family....at first it was hard...but, i am starting to see results...slowly, but surely...i have found that when i eat gluten products, my blood pressure sky rockets....and i have lost 8 lbs...bonus...but, this still feels like a big experiement...
2. i started taking a hand full of vitamins everyday...the upshot....less migraines....i'll take that...
3. working hydrated....when we have it, i drink coconut water daily....and i can feel a huge difference when i do...i feel much more clear headed...but that stuff is mega expensive...
4.i no longer drink coffee....i noticed that it too was contributing to blood pressure issues....and despite my love for a good cup-a-joe....the headaches, and blood pressure issues are not work it to me...i don't like feeling bad..
5. i finished a 5k....i ran probably half of it and walked half of it...i'm still working on getting up to being able to do this stuff again...but, i feel great about finishing it...and while pushing a jogging stroller...it was my lil one's first 5k...and we rocked it...our whole family did...and it was great...we hope to participate in more...
6. i let roller derby go....i didn't let skating go...i like skating...and i'm lucky to live in a town with great outdoor inline hockey rinks to skate in...especially now that the weather is better...but the drama associate with roller derby...all the crap and mean girl stuff...though not directed at me...it just too much like a sorority...and i don't like sororities...if you do...oh well...i don't....
7.choosing to have more peace in my life...in order to make room for Peace...i have to make room for peace...that meant letting go of anything that isn't giving me peace or allowing peace to be a part of my life...it is a process, and a daily quest...
8. making more time to study my yoga...part of my peace process...i have a tendancy to let everyone else's needs to stop me from doing what i need to do for my yoga...this month is about sticking to my own yoga journey....

gah....with the blood pressure...

so, for the last week the blood pressure has been wonky...right now, feelin ok....earlier today...not-so-much....

it's the damn Hashimoto's crap....

makes me  feel flushed, light head, have heart palitations and headaches....it SUCKS.....

today, was a rough day...not sure why, but it seems like the last month has had more blood pressure flair ups...the hope is that the paleo, losing weight, mediation and yoga, will help....crossing fingers...

also, trying to allow myself to not feel stressed....

which is difficult some days, when i have a knife wielding toddler, and a drama-king tween who freaks out over EVERYTHING....oh...and i'm a virgo....so that sucks...

(look up virgos...you'll see)

hubs is concerned...i suppose i should be too...i just want it to go away...

some days though, i feel so craptastic, that looking up dr. info is the last thing i feel like doing...

always with the changes

so, where do i start?....
why i don't care if i do roller derby....today
parenting the tween?
finding my zen?
appreciating my life?
Appreciating my husband?
Cooking?
eating gluten free and very very strict beyond paleo?
dealing with hashimoto's
yoga?
understanding the lil one
money?

because that's what life has been about for the last few weeks...

 seriously don't know where to start...

i've been a part of a roller derby rec league for 4 months now...i was white-knuckling the rail the first two weeks...i'm still not a proficient skater...and the young girls get on my nerves....and then there are the gal who are in it to kill people or initiate you in...yeah...not into that either...they can suck it...my goal is to simply learn how to skate...and learn how to skate hard...that's it...that's all i care about...i have no desire to be at the rink all of the time...but once a week, for fun...would be really nice....

parenting....some days...it just sucks...that's the truth...and lil boy is full of his own drama these days....and i swear to gawd, if he doesn't make his bed.....*&T%*&(#^)*^@...yeah i now, i have old people syndrome...but i recall having to make my freakin bed....no matter how awful my room was...

i can't even type about it because it stressed me out too much...

lil girl...she's seriously going to kill herself one day...either in a flame-throwing act or a knife throwing  act or a trapeeze accident...something circus related and something physical....she has taken to jumping from the coffee tables to the couches or chair....scares the crap out of me...lets not forget how she manages to get into exactly what she is not supposed to 24/7...there is no redirecting....she is not satisfied with her toys in any capacity...it must be what we have or nothing...even if it is not safe for her...oh dear gawd....

the hubs...on the other hand...amazingly supportive...and has seen how stressed/nuts i am...demands that i get out of the house at least once a week...(roller derby)....and then once  a month...yoga weekend...and now he is making me do a paleo diet...not so much making me...as he researched what the best meal lan is for people with hashimoto's thyroiditis...and turns out to be paleo...a very strict version...so, for the last two weeks...that's what i have been doing...lost 5 lbs...can't complain about that...

we also have been trying to find the best grocers for fresh vegetables in our area...we even tried a grocery delivery service, which was/is cool...and another friend of mine gt me hooked up with a produce co-op...which is really cool too...

the thing about having such a variety of produce is that i am having to learn new dishes and cook meals i have never had before...alot of fun


and then there is money...awwww yes...the old pain in the neck issue of money...well, we pay our bills...hubs, bless his heart, works his job, and provides for us, and makes sure i can stay home with the wild child...and there have even been mentions of homeschooling her...i know, i can't really believe it myself...we don't really go out to eat...we haven't been to a movie since last summer...not that we could anyway with lil girl...she never sits down....fortunately don't really like to shop...or even need to except for the kids when they grow out of things...like shoes...etc...some months we don't travel, like to my parents' because of the gas...friends have asked us to come visit...and we don't...honestly just can't afford to...friends have asked us out...we don't...just no money...simple as that...no excuse, just the truth....that, and lil girl would make it impossible to enjoy...no joke as well...we love her...but she just gets too wound up....hoping she calms down, because she is a mess...karma biting me in the butt... any extra we MIGHT have...which we have been fortunate so far...is used to pay the 20 bucks for derby....and the 200 for yoga...but, i honestly don't know from month to month if that will happen...seriously....eh....whatev....

all i know is that right now...in this very moment...as i sit here, next to my hubs...on our dueling laptops...typing away and he watches youtube videos about barefoot running....life is good.....today...tomorrow i'll probably have some weird anger management hormone flair up...but's that's mister tomorrow's problem...

your day

"How you start your day is how you live your day, and how you live your day is the way you live your life." ~ Louise L. Hay


i've been thinking about this all day....especially when i find myself feeling overwhelmed by my children....both of which have a tendancy to be anxious and busy at times....


i find myself saying..."that's enough...."


and having to set them straight...a sort of RESET button effect if you will...


for all of us.....


the boy, bless his heart...started riding his scooter to school...by himself...as in...he isnow walking with friends instead of making me take him the two blocks to school...which was a huge PIA when the lil girl was an infant and i was still very sleep deprived and my hashimoto's was at its' worst....


I worried about him all day....not because i am scared...but because i know how nervous he gets....which then causes him to fall apart over the most ridiculous things....and make poor choices....despite how smart he is....


but this afternoon he came hom and told me he and a buddy had made a plan to meet at the corner and go together everyday...and he is excited about this...i am too...because it means he is finally manning up....it is bittersweet...i want him to be my little boy..but i really need him to man up too....it's just time....


lil girl is in the whiny phase....she has alot she wants to do and say but doesn't know how yet...so whining wins out...i have had enough.....


and she still never sits still...ever...and not just playing.but climbing on the dining room table...grabbing stuff off the counter....usually butter knives....or anything that can be used as a knife...i swear she is going to be a circus act when she grows up....she's like a monkey...seriously....


i'm exhausted....all the time...


all of the time....


still


so, i was thinking about how all day long i'm just trying to regain serenity....maintain peace...trying to alleviate that tension in my chest from mot breathing....


and that is in fact how i have lived my life...just trying to deal with everyone else's crap.....trying to breathe through it...


i don't like it....




i don't like feeling that way....


I find that the only time i feel better is when i have to draw a line and say...ENOUGH.....


when i create my boundaries....


when  i get thing sin order and set limits on what i will tolerate from others....


for example, the boy is being manic about his birthday...this happens every year...it becomes this big stressful thing....and we end up broke and exhausted trying to do the best we can just to have a birthday party for him....


i don't like it one bit...andhe is at it again...searching for things to do and thinking of who he wants to invite over....


i am willing to celebrate his birthday....i will in fact, make him a cake...have ice cream...give him a gift...and tell him how proud of him and how much i love him....


i will not be worn ragged and stress out over him having a bunch of kids over or running around worrying about who will show up and who won't...i jsut cannot do that anymore...it is not what a birthday should be...


it is about celebrating your birth...and enjoying that day....


and that is what we will do....


he can take it or leave it....


we have come to realize that we have tried desperately to do things in the past without them being appreciated...that is over...he can take it or leave it...

another new adventure

i joined roller derby.....

i did it..

well...joined  that is...

i went to recruiting night last week...i fill out paperwork tomorrow night...and pay my dues...

i went to a mom and tots skate last week...i fell on a concrete ledge...the bruise on my ass is so massive...i scared myself and have had major anxiety ever since it happened...last wednesday....i'm talking, heart attack, hand shaking, head dizzy anxiety....it has to get better...or i may start drinking and smoking again...self medicating...i hate anxiety attacks....and yes, i am still doing yoga...it helps...

but, i'm going to do this...i may hurt myself...well, i already have...but there are a few reasons why i am doing this...

1. i have wanted to for a while now....and JUST now they have changed the rules that allow people to practice once a week...and now that M is working local...we can manage me going into the city to practice once a week....
2. my kids....my daughter is a ring -tail-toot....i love her to bits...she really is cute as a buttong and sweet....but she NEVER STOPS MOVING....and i'm not the only person to notice this...this isn't just me being exhausted...part of me being exhausted is because she never stops moving....and she is going to need to do jr roller derby....i want to do this to help lead her into it....my son likes to skate....we have really struggled to find something he can do that involves physical activity but isn't necessarily competitive....he just likes to skate...and so far...we haven't run into any bullies here yet....and if it is something he feels good about...i want to do it....
3. my husband....he is my biggest cheerleader....he also loves roller derby...without him....i am not sure i could do this...maybe...but not the same...

but, yeah....i'm still doing yoga...and now....i'm doing roller derby.....

the next thing is to train for the zombie apocolypse....

mommy dearest

"it is a  bad thing to seek help from the person who caused you pain...THAT will make you sick...." Just heard this on fresh air....or something very close to it....

made me think of my mother....

" the person who angers you controls you"....been seeing this quote alot....

makes me think of my mother....

i've said before....but, my mental image of my mother is of a woman curled up in the fetal position on the couch...or a woman in rage screaming at us...and then being quiet and smiling in public....

even now, i still know when she is going to flip out...she can be such a mean spirited person at times...

even now, i still do not trust her to be even in her emotions....

my husband is my savior....when it comes to her....

she listens to him....i appreciate that....

i gotta let it go....